Most people have things about themselves they do not like. Things that they have some insecurities about. Those feelings cause doubt, and that self-doubt could be sabotaging your relationship. How do you know if it is, and what can you do to stop it?
There is a line where self-doubt goes from being understandable to where it becomes damaging. This has a huge impact on you, but it also creates problems in your relationships. So how can you tell if your self-doubt has crossed that line?
Do you avoid things that should be enjoyable?
Your partner wants to go to a party at a friend’s house, but you are afraid his friends don’t really like you so you say you are not feeling well. Sound familiar?
We feel like people must see the “bad” things about us when we are letting our self-doubt get the better of us because that is all we can see ourselves. This is our thoughts creating problems that are likely not really there.
Letting the feelings of self-doubt take over not only punishes you, but it punishes your partner. It robs you both of possibly amazing experiences.
If you find this happening, ask yourself if it really matters if not every single person loves you? Are you just doubting yourself, or the stability of your relationship? If you have a strong relationship, then your partner does not care what everyone else thinks about you. So even if someone does not care for you, so what?
You know that every person has things they wish they could change. Truly consider what you are missing by letting your self-doubt win.
Do you distance yourself from your partner because of them?
Maybe you aren’t just distancing yourself from strangers, but also from your partner. Maybe your relationship is new and you are trying to present only your best self.
Showing your true self to someone and having them decide they are not interested is like a punch to the gut. You begin to wonder if maybe you need to make some adjustments. We tie so much of our worth to the opinions of people who barely know us. It causes us to keep a safe distance in our relationships to be certain we won’t end up hurt.
If this is you, I challenge you to answer this question. Do I really want to be with someone who doesn’t think the sun shines out of my ass even when I am not perfect?
Yes, that is a little crass, but seriously consider it. If your partner cannot handle some little quirks, then they weren’t who you should be with anyway, right?
You want someone who is all in, even on the bad days. We don’t find perfect partners. We find partners whose “flaws” are far outweighed by all the other things we love about them. We cannot know if we are compatible until we are willing to show the things we don’t love about ourselves.
Do they cause you to not communicate your needs with your partner?
When we are full of self-doubt, we start to believe that we don’t deserve to make sure our needs are being met. We can start to feel like we are just lucky to have someone so wonderful that loves us, and shouldn’t ask for more.
I try to think of it like this, if I don’t like something about myself then I should try to change it so I can be happy. For me to be committed to focusing on those positive changes, I have certain needs that have to be met. If they aren’t, the needs become the focus and not the self-work I am trying to do.
Don’t sell yourself short and not get any of your needs met because you have some areas of self-doubt. Communicating your needs may be just the thing you need to start eliminating those doubts.
Remind yourself everyday that you are worth happiness and love, and you have the power to attain those things.
Does your partner tell you that don’t want to hear about your insecurities, or you get into arguments because of them?
Have you talked about your self-doubts so often that your partner has told you they no longer want to hear them? This isn’t the most sensitive way to let you know that your doubt is causing them to have doubts, but that is likely what is happening. As partners, we don’t like to see the person we care about hurting. We often want to solve their problems. However, if you are letting your self-doubt get the better of you, then a quick solution is not something your partner can provide you.
The self-doubt may also lead to arguments. You may argue because you can never accept a compliment. Or maybe you refuse to try anything new because you automatically assume you will fail at it. This affects your partner’s fulfillment as well and can lead to resentment and contempt, which in turn causes arguments.
If you find these things occurring, consider what getting rid of these limiting self-doubts could do for your both you and your relationship? What would you be willing to do differently if you believed in yourself? Pick something you have previously neglected out of self-doubt and give it a go. Confidence is gained by putting yourself out there and realizing that even if you fail once in a while, it isn’t the end of the word. See how it affects your relationship.
So if self-doubt is sabotaging your relationship, I hope this helped you figure out some steps you can take to resolve those doubts.