Lesson Three: Distance
Welcome to Lesson Three from Distressed to Darling!
(If you missed Lesson Two, read it here! Also, do not miss your 18 page workbook! Just sign up and it will be sent to your email.)
After you get through a traumatic relationship nothing is more important to you than not letting it happen again. One way to prevent it is by not letting anyone in. As a means to not let anyone get too close, you may actively remain guarded and distant. You don’t let yourself fall too hard and you don’t let anyone become too involved in certain aspects of your life. The areas of your life you feel most secure in are the areas you guard.
For instance, you don’t want them building relationships with your family and friends. The relationships you have in place that are strong, you are not willing to share for fear they may be damaged. If you are financially stable, you may not allow a relationship progress to a point where money is involved. Buying a home or getting married would be things you push off to avoid splitting finances.
Consider what else keeping your guard up is affecting:
- Opportunities for New Bonds – not just with your partner, but not allowing yourself to bond with their friends or family. You are also depriving your friends and family from getting to know your awesome partner and vice versa.
- An Optimally Shared Home – refusing to let someone be too involved means you are stalling from getting to a point where you can help one another financially, with household responsibilities, etc. Even if you do live together, if you are not fully willing to commit then you are likely not dividing things in the best way. Things like still paying for a space to store your things as a safety net or something along those lines are key examples.
- Your Self-Care – not allowing someone to get close enough to help you means you have less energy and resources for you. Romantic relationships are meant to help each other become happier. Part of this is allowing your partner to focus on their self-care. If you don’t let your partner carry some of the load, you are denying yourself of this huge perk your relationship could be providing.
Steps to Start Dropping Your Guard:
- Identify the areas you are guarded with.
- Talk to your partner about what role they would like to have.
- Plan some small steps toward that goal.
- Evaluate where you are after making those changes and determine what next.
- Repeat until you are where you want to be.
Understand that you are hurting people you love in your effort to keep yourself guarded. Are their feelings worth ignoring? Remember that you are strong. You survived and overcame the trauma. Now you know what to do if any sign of it would show up. Choose wisely, but try to let some people in.
When your partner wants to take things to the next level they are showing you how much they care about you. They are taking a risk and letting you get close to them. Even if they have not been hurt the way you have before, it is still a leap of faith they are taking that you will not hurt them. They are willing to be vulnerable for you. If you love them, try your best to figure out how to return the gesture.
If you have not started to notice what may or may not be plaguing your relationship yet, the workbook would definitely help!
To go with this mini-course, I have created an 18 page workbook that you can use to personalize the information to you! It includes an assessment, a partner questionnaire, journal prompts, an action plan template, and more. The workbook is designed to assist you in recognizing any behaviors you may be exhibiting toward your partner because of someone who hurt you in the past. You may not even realize you are doing it! Once you know, you can focus on making adjustments to get the relationship you and your partner both deserve! One filled with love, trust, and connection. Just enter your email below and the full workbook will be sent to your inbox. This free workbook is an exclusive offer for my subscribers. Don’t miss it!