Physical relationships can be complicated. Not communicating about them with your partner makes them even more complicated. Sometimes knowing where to start is hard though. That is where these questions come in! You can use these as a general guideline of what you and your partner should be asking yourselves and each other.
(Psst… be sure to grab your Intimacy Toolkit at the bottom of this post to really boost your sex life up exactly where you want it!)
1. What is your favorite thing about our sex life currently?
With all meaningful conversations that may lead to change, always start with what is going right. You want to make sure you do not take away from the good things that are happening. It also starts the conversation on an easy, upbeat path. Hopefully there are plenty of great things currently happening that you can talk about!
If your partner is shy-ish about the subject or you have never had this conversation before, start by telling them something you like first. It will make it easier for them to then share. The more personal and illustrated the example you can give, the better. This allows them to know that this is not (and should not be) a PG rated conversation. Any two adults that are capable of having a sexual relationship, should be able to discuss that relationship openly as well.
2. Do we have sexual interactions often enough that you are satisfied?
Our sex lives are more than the sex itself. It is the looks, the little touches, and seduction that also plays into it. If you aren’t doing these things between having sex, you should be! Talk to your partner about the little things that leads up to the main event that they enjoy. Is there enough of that going on?
In physical relationships, small touches mean just as much as the big event. It is vital that you include this in your day-to-day exchanges. Kissing, fondling, and simple cuddling are all great touches to build sexual anticipation. Talk to your partner about the touches that create tension and anticipation for them. Find out what gets them going. Make sure you are doing those things for them and vice versa.
3. Do you feel sexually desired?
It is invaluable to a relationship to make the other person feel desired. When you know your partner wants you and makes sure to show you that, you don’t seek that feeling out in other places. Everyone wants to feel lusted after. It is a basic natural instinct. There is no use in trying to fight it.
Talk to your partner and ask them if they get this feeling from you. Do you give them the impression that you physically want them? If not, what would? Never underestimate what a simple suggestive text message in the middle of the afternoon might do for your relationship. Leave little notes, or better yet pictures, for your partner in places only they would find them suggesting what you want to do with them the next time you are together.
4. Is there something lacking that would make the times we have sex more satisfying?
Even if your sex is already mind-blowing, there may be something you can add. Chances are, your partner and you have thought about a thing or two. Now is the time to talk out that secret fantasy you have been having. Sometimes it is hard to find the right time to bring those things up. This creates that perfect time.
Maybe they want to role play. Maybe you want to try a new location. How about both! You should discuss it to make sure you are on the same page. Then GO FOR IT! Trying new things is a wonderful way to find new things you love! If it doesn’t work for one or both of you, then don’t do it again. Deciding to try something different doesn’t mean it has to be forever.
5. Do you prefer to be the one in control when it comes to intimacy?
It seems some people assume that the person who is mostly in control of the other aspects of the relationship wants to be in control in the bedroom too. But this is not always the case! Sometimes that person wants to be able to give up control in their most private and personal times. This may be their chance to not have to make any decisions. This is also a great opportunity for the more submissive part to get to break out of their shell.
If you both prefer to be in control, or both prefer not to be, then you can agree to take turns. Roles can be easily exchangeable. Whoever fills up to it in the moment can be the dominant one in that instance. If you are willing to talk it out, then you will find what makes both people happy!
6. What is something sexual that has happened in the past that you wish we would incorporate more?
Remember that time on your vacation (or insert other very memorable experience here)? Of course you do! Why not add a little of that into your lives more often? There is no reason to only make sex great on special occasions. Not every time can be the best time. We all know that. But memorable, stand out times should be happening more than once a year.
Figure out what those special times had that most of the other times don’t. Determine how that can be incorporated. Now you cannot bring the beach to your midwestern back yard. However, you can mix up a couple hurricanes to sip while playing music that reminds you of that time to bring the feelings back. The feelings triggered from those memories may do just the trick to get adventurous, vacation you back.
7. When you feel stressed or upset, does intimacy help you relax or do you prefer to be alone?
This is something that is important to know. For some people, touch and sexual release is a huge stress reducer. Other people do not even want to have to think about being physical when they are already overwhelmed. You need to know which side your partner falls on. You don’t want to add anything extra or to make sex feel like a chore.
Make sure you tell your partner where you stand on this too. They may assume just because they feel a certain way, then so do you. If you need to be touched to feel supported they need to know. If touch is what keeps you connected to your partner when you feel overwhelmed by everything else you need to tell them!
8. Is there anything you have wanted to ask me but haven’t?
People and their bodies and reactions are complicated. The only way we really get to know one another is to ask. Your partner may not actually know exactly what you like and do not like. Most times they can determine it by the way you react, but maybe they are reading your reaction wrong. This is their chance to ask you. Or to just get some clarification on the specifics.
9. Is there anything you have wanted to share with me but haven’t?
This goes with the above question. Until we start communicating about sex with each other we cannot be sure what we are thinking is accurate. They may have something they really dislike that they want you to know about. Be compassionate and respectful in your reaction to whatever they may tell you.
10. In a perfect world, what does your ideal version of our sex life look like?
How often are we having sex? In what ways do you like to be touched outside of those times? How can I show you I want you? All of these things add up to what your partner feels is their ideal situation. Try to get as many details as you can from one another so you can implement them to enhance your physical connection. You do not want to create a routine, but you want to make sure you are both satisfied!
Before you start this conversation, make sure you have the answers to all these questions for yourself. Be willing and ready to share your own thoughts, feelings, and concerns. You should be regularly evaluating your sexual relationship on your own and with your partner.
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